What is an alpha male anyway?
Walk into any Instagram scrolling session or self-help bookshop, and you’ll hear the same thing: men should be dominant. Men should be aggressive. Alpha males are self-sufficient; they possess all the success, wealth, and romantic partners they desire.
But there’s a problem. This so-called alpha male archetype was built on flawed science to begin with.
Meet The Real Alpha… And Beta
What most people call an “alpha wolf", according to biologist David Mech’s early research, was misunderstood. Wolf packs aren’t groups built on domination and aggression; they’re made up of family. And the wolves that people refer to as "alphas"? They’re just the parents.
If you think that story doesn’t sound particularly "alpha", you’re not alone. David Mech spent the rest of his career clarifying his earlier findings.
Primate psychologist Frans de Waal has made similar discoveries about chimpanzees. In fact, dominant chimps who rise to the top through bullying and aggression are often destabilising forces in their communities. The chimps who remain alphas for longer periods? They’re the peaceful ones. The stable ones. The ones who protect and empathise with others in their group.
Are Humans So Different?
Taken together, research on wolves, chimps, and other social animals suggests that in the wild, intimidation isn’t what leads individuals into positions of leadership. Stability does.
What happens when men internalise the “alpha male” mythology?
If intimidation does not genuinely lead to leadership and respect in the real world, what motivates so many men to continue embracing it?
Enter Shame
It turns out there is a big payoff for trying to look like an alpha even if you aren’t: it works on other people who are insecure themselves.
When you condition yourself to believe that showing emotion, or being led by a woman, or asking for help is weak, you’re left with a powerful sense of instability about who you are allowed to be as a man.
What are the consequences of performing alpha rather than letting who you are shine through?
Feelings Aren’t Facts. When you bottled up emotions like sadness, grief, or fear (because facing those things makes you “weak”), they don’t disappear. They metastasise into anxiety. Into depression. Into a lifetime of fighting your own internal experience, which can lead to feelings of isolation and exacerbate mental health issues.
Weak Relationships. If your primary mode of relating to others revolves around determining who is "higher" or "lower" than you, it will be challenging to establish relationships that can withstand life's challenges. Other people pick up on this (especially your partners) and won’t commit to insecure partners.
Loneliness. In our society, we’re taught that hiding our soft sides will protect us. But the research shows that avoiding emotional vulnerability actually leads to increased isolation and mental health problems, which can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and hinder meaningful connections with others.
What does this mean for men who are capable of achieving high prestige?
Becoming a whole man means letting your beta side show.
Many successful men come to Men Inner Search London wondering what’s wrong with them: if they’re so accomplished in their careers and their lives, why do they feel so drained after most relationships? Why can’t they seem to connect to their spouse or partner the way they see other couples on TV?
The truth is there is nothing “wrong” with these men. Society has simply conditioned them to hate the parts of themselves that are sensitive. That enjoys being taken care of every once in a while. They value connection more than authority.
The Alpha Male Myth Versus Becoming Whole
For thousands of years, scholars have divided men into alpha males and beta males. Recent research in evolutionary psychology, however, casts that framework aside in favour of two distinct modes of influence:
Dominance is the aggressive pursuit of status. Leaders who attain their position via fear or violence have acquired what scientists call dominance-based social status.
Prestige is earned respect. Prestige-based social status is given freely by others who recognise and appreciate your abilities and leadership qualities.
Forget alpha males. Everyone has moments where they fall into one pattern or another, such as exhibiting confidence or insecurity, which can affect their social interactions and relationships. At Men Inner Search, we want you to meet yourself, warts and all. That means balancing your natural desire to achieve with empathy, emotional awareness, and connection to others.
Let’s Get Started
It’s time to reject archaic ideas of masculinity. Learn how you can become whole at MI Self London.
Men Inner Search London provides Jungian -deep psychological coaching and therapy for men in London who are navigating the challenges of identity, ambition, relationships and contemporary masculinity. Sessions take place in the London areas of Harley Street, Mayfair and Bermondsey and via online counselling.